Hurts

Hunter’s head was stomped on by Ryan last night (on purpose).  Hunter IS OK, but I’m pretty sure I’m not.  I’ve been very distraught by the whole situation.  I feel very angry with Ryan and it is hard to be lovey with him.  He has been such a handful these days.  He is very hyper, very destructive, hits his brother, hits us, doesn’t listen, etc.  I’m sure it’s just normal almost-2-year-old behavior, but I don’t know because this is the first 2-year-old I’ve had and I’m also an only child, so no younger siblings either.  I just don’t know what to do with him.  Hunter had a red mark on his head, but it finally went away today.  He definitely cried and it scared me really bad.  I saw it happen.  I had just changed Hunter’s diaper and I was putting the stuff away and as I turned back around, Ryan had walked over to him and just stomped on his head with shoes on.  Then Hunter started wailing…….and mommy too.  L My reaction (without any thought) was to push Ryan away from Hunter.  I feel bad about doing that.  Ryan hit him on the head again today.  Things around here have just been stressful.  It is hard getting used to having two.  Probably more because of the way Ryan has been behaving.  School has been very stressful too.  I have had a test every week for like the last 3 or 4 weeks.  I know we are almost done (I graduate May 7^th!!!!), but I just feel like I am at my breaking point.  Nursing school is a VERY rigorous, grueling schedule and it is just plain hard and stressful.  Thank God for my hubby and his support and for all the great people I have met who have gone through this with me.  I spend more time with them then my family it seems sometimes!  I am almost there……praying that I pass the rest of these tests.  Keeping up with school and the boys and then the house and hubby and other obligations and friends and family, yikes it is just a lot.  I feel like I haven’t been able to enjoy the blessings the Lord has given us, which in turn makes me angry with God.  I feel like I haven’t been able to pray, haven’t been excited to read His word, haven’t felt like returning to church since having Hunter, just haven’t felt like being a Christian any more.  Wow, it sounds like I have postpartum depression or something!  LOL  I don’t.  I am in love with my baby boy.  I just have a lot of anxiety over the busyness of our lives right now and over Ryan and his behavior.  I love him so much and it hurts to see him acting this way.  It hurts to see him upset after I tell him to get away from me and Hunter after he has hit Hunter.  Any way, I thought maybe getting this out would help. Prayers and advice are welcome!  J