Wednesday, November 26, 2014

No Baby

The follow-up ultrasound did not go as we had hoped and prayed for.  Still no baby; just debris.  Measuring at 8 weeks.  Doctor said miscarriage.  I felt so silly for thinking it was going to go differently.  I really believed we were going to see a baby and hear a heartbeat. 

He gave us the option of a D&C or doing it naturally.  He scared me into doing a D&C because he said if it happened on its own, I would probably end up in the ER and having to do a D&C any way.  We also rushed into thinking this was the better choice because honestly I just want all of this to be over with.  I don't want to feel pregnant anymore - nauseous and tired.  I just want to move on.  I wanted to do what we think is more convenient for us and on our own schedule. 

I was so angry at God yesterday.  Wallowing in my own sorrows and disappointments.  I went home and went to bed with a horrible headache, a tummy ache, and a bad attitude.

However, I had managed to ask God to give us a clear sign on whether we should go ahead with the surgery.  Other than that, I honestly didn't want to talk to Him.  So childish. 

This morning, we got our answer.  Because I had a few sips of liquids after midnight, they wanted us to come in at 11, but then wait in the OR waiting room till at least 6 p.m. for the surgery.  That did not sound like a good idea to Sean and I.  I cried and cried, but realized God had closed the D&C door. 

So we wait.  Sitting here, teary eyed, I realize God is love and He does want what's best for all of us.  I know this is His best plan and if He had wanted to change the situation to what we wanted, He could have. 

I'm sad still.  But not angry.  I do feel comforted.  I am reminded to be still and know that He is God.  Through this year of hardships, he must want me to learn something or lots of somethings.  Maybe I'm not quite there yet.  I don't know.  Maybe never to know. 

Now to pray for a safe passing of what should have been our new God's timing.  I would like to tell Him to hurry up and make it happen, but I am going to be patient. 

I'm gonna try to remember that tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I certainly have a lot to be thankful for. 

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord.


Anonymous said...

So sorry for your great loss. As a mom that has loss numerous babies all I can say is " I Know. " I wish there was some easy thing to do to lessen the pain of losing a little one whom you already loved so much. God really does care and even though you will probably never know why this had to happen God knows your little one and HE cares!!! Praying for you today.

Hettie Brewner said...

Thank you, Nikki. Thank you for the encouraging words and the prayers. I'm so sorry for your losses. It's a tough thing. Children are so precious and a reward. Let us cherish these lil ones. Happy Thanksgiving