Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Reality Check - Thinks Cannot and Will Not Always Go the Way I Want Them To Go

Well, I try real hard not complain or bring on negativity, but I will not succeed today. Oh well, at least this is my free therapy and it is my place to write whatever I want. I gotta get it out and then I better smile and enjoy the rest of this day because I am tired of my attitude.

So, Sean was an hour late picking me up from school yesterday. I totally freaked out because I was positive that something really bad had happened to him. To make matters worse, we did not have both of our cell phones. I was not mad that I had to wait, nor was I mad at him. I just get really panicky and anxious b/c of our experiences in the Marine Corps. Living months wondering if I was going to get a dreaded knock on the door saying that Sean had died is not easily forgettable and while I know it is irrational and unproductive, I can't help where my mind goes when something out of the ordinary happens. I visualize all these gruesome death scenes. I try my hardest not to do this, but obviously it ain't working. Every time he leaves I wonder if that is going to be the last time I see him. I know it sounds very over dramatic, but 7 months of deployment will do that to some, well me any way. It seems like most people can deal with that type of life. I was not strong enough. I am a quitter in that arena of life.

We found out today that we did not get the house and that the sellers accepted the other offer, which I am sure was not low like our 75,000! We pretty much figured it was going to happen, but it is still a bummer.

I really hope that lady calls about watching her 2 dogs. I have been getting worried about that too.

Oh before I go let me just say what else has been stressing me out these past two days:
1. Finances.
2. Where we will live.
3. Our house being in total disarray.
4. My ugliness.
5. School.
6. Work.
7. Babies.

I know I can think of more, but sheesh am I depressing or what?? It sounds like I need to go back on my Zoloft, though I refuse that!

OK, I am done typing, I have gotten all my frustrations out, I will end this blog now and put a smile on my face and enjoy today. It is bright and sunny. I have to learn that I cannot control every situation and that worry and anxiety will always lead me nowhere.

3 comments:

sbrewner said...

Scratch ugliness off of that list. You are beautiful and will always be my baby. I am here to help with whatever I can. Love you

becca said...

Oh my dear, like sean said, scratch ugliness off the list, and know that i share every other one of them with you. LOL. Thta' life though i guess. I'm sorry to hear about the house, it's a bummer, but as i told you and you guys know, it wasn't meant to be. One house that we put an offer in on was destroyed by tornados 3 weeks later...see!
So cheer up, you are in sunny FL afterall....and....only 6 more months until we see you guys again!!!!! that's less than one baby's time!

Hettie Brewner said...

Thanks hubby and Becca! You guys are the best! I am feeling so much better today! Hopefully when I go into class, I find that I aced my test from Tuesday! Love you both!