Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Reality Check - Thinks Cannot and Will Not Always Go the Way I Want Them To Go

Well, I try real hard not complain or bring on negativity, but I will not succeed today. Oh well, at least this is my free therapy and it is my place to write whatever I want. I gotta get it out and then I better smile and enjoy the rest of this day because I am tired of my attitude.

So, Sean was an hour late picking me up from school yesterday. I totally freaked out because I was positive that something really bad had happened to him. To make matters worse, we did not have both of our cell phones. I was not mad that I had to wait, nor was I mad at him. I just get really panicky and anxious b/c of our experiences in the Marine Corps. Living months wondering if I was going to get a dreaded knock on the door saying that Sean had died is not easily forgettable and while I know it is irrational and unproductive, I can't help where my mind goes when something out of the ordinary happens. I visualize all these gruesome death scenes. I try my hardest not to do this, but obviously it ain't working. Every time he leaves I wonder if that is going to be the last time I see him. I know it sounds very over dramatic, but 7 months of deployment will do that to some, well me any way. It seems like most people can deal with that type of life. I was not strong enough. I am a quitter in that arena of life.

We found out today that we did not get the house and that the sellers accepted the other offer, which I am sure was not low like our 75,000! We pretty much figured it was going to happen, but it is still a bummer.

I really hope that lady calls about watching her 2 dogs. I have been getting worried about that too.

Oh before I go let me just say what else has been stressing me out these past two days:
1. Finances.
2. Where we will live.
3. Our house being in total disarray.
4. My ugliness.
5. School.
6. Work.
7. Babies.

I know I can think of more, but sheesh am I depressing or what?? It sounds like I need to go back on my Zoloft, though I refuse that!

OK, I am done typing, I have gotten all my frustrations out, I will end this blog now and put a smile on my face and enjoy today. It is bright and sunny. I have to learn that I cannot control every situation and that worry and anxiety will always lead me nowhere.


sbrewner said...

Scratch ugliness off of that list. You are beautiful and will always be my baby. I am here to help with whatever I can. Love you

becca said...

Oh my dear, like sean said, scratch ugliness off the list, and know that i share every other one of them with you. LOL. Thta' life though i guess. I'm sorry to hear about the house, it's a bummer, but as i told you and you guys know, it wasn't meant to be. One house that we put an offer in on was destroyed by tornados 3 weeks later...see!
So cheer up, you are in sunny FL afterall....and....only 6 more months until we see you guys again!!!!! that's less than one baby's time!

Hettie Brewner said...

Thanks hubby and Becca! You guys are the best! I am feeling so much better today! Hopefully when I go into class, I find that I aced my test from Tuesday! Love you both!