Sunday, May 4, 2008

Wild World

We had a really good day yesterday. Pet sitting is in full force right now. Not only are we watching the neighbors' dogs and birds, but we also have Angel the Shi Tzu at our house until tomorrow. Larry and Lucy (my dad's hairdressers) brought him (yes a boy dog named Angel) over yesterday. Oh yeah, and we have Allie still! :O)

Sean and I took bikes up to Tarpon yesterday and rode around for a few hours. We met some really nice people who would be our neighbors (literally) if we got the house. We enjoyed more exploring up there. We went to a hippie themed party at the Tarpon Winery for a bit. We did not dress up b/c we would have been hippies riding bikes beforehand and that woulda been silly.......and hot (temp wise not looks wise). Any way, they had good music, good food, good outfits, good wine, good folk. We returned home to care for the 5 dogs and 2 birds.

Church was especially good today. The message totally related to things going on with me. I have been having some issues with my father for, oh lets see....... since I was little. It has been hard to forgive him for my parents divorce (even though it was both of them, not just him) and his drinking. Also, the fact that he was never around really as I was growing up. Again, not all his fault. My mom and I lived in GA, him here. But either way, as a little girl growing up, it felt like he abandoned me. And when I did visit him on holidays and summertime, he was always drunk. It was very hard to deal with. He has been sober since I was in 11th grade. I am very proud of him for that. I know that he loves me and he has done so much for Sean and I over the past year and a half. I guess I am scared of him at times. Scared he doesn't like me as a person, scared he will leave me again, scared that he will make fun of me personally and for the things I choose to do in my life. I feel that he doesn't really accept me. He can be very critical and sarcastic. He has not come to see the house we want. I try to talk to him, he usually walks away going about his own things. I invite him to do new and different things, he declines. He is very routine and ritualistic. He gets angry when I don't have things exactly the way he likes them around the house.

I honestly am not here to complain or gossip or talk badly about my father. I respect him and I love him dearly. Him, my hubby and my mother are the 3 most important people in my life, who I would do anything for. I just realized today that I needed to get rid of all of this. Yes, what I should do is talk to my father, but I am not brave enough for that. I assume it would not go well, even though that is only an assumption. I feel that for now, I just need to forgive, I need to give it to the the Lord, pray about it and release it. I should choose to move on and concentrate on the here and now instead of looking backwards at things that I cannot change.

Maybe one day I can show him this entry. I don't know, but I do know that giving this away will do me a world of good and probably improve my relationship with dad immensely.


sbrewner said...

Don't worry about today babe. All is ok, and everything will be ok. We have a lot of things going on right now and we can get through it all with God.

Hettie Brewner said...

Thanks hun!